Saturday, September 11, 2010

You Changed the Rules on Me

An old friend of mine recently sent me an email asking if I still kept a journal. She'd gone back and read my old old livejournal and felt that I should still be writing and chronically my thoughts. That flattered me immensely and gave me more motivation to keep up with this blog and make it something totally real for me. The desire to write in a more public forum again was one of the biggest motivating factors in starting this blog in the first place. But that email also made me a bit sad and nervous in a way. The years of my life that I kept that livejournal were not good years in my life. The writing was not always happy. It was true and it was honest - something that I promised I would be, to myself and to others always. Having that journal lurking out there is a reminder of what I've been through and how far I've come. It's also a reminder of how far I can sink. I mostly like to think that these days things are infinitely better. And for the most part, they are. But I still have my days. I still find myself wandering in unfathomable depths at times. And I suppose ultimately, it's good to remember that too. To remember that I am human, that at times I will stumble and at times I will fall flat on my face. Also to remember that no matter how far I go from that self, I will always be that self. Last night I went and read those old old entries, and so much of what I had written those years ago, still rings true today. So I suppose I'm here to remember who I am, and to learn who I will continue to be, because the spectrum all eventually amounts to the one person that is me.

If you're here reading this, I hope that the self exploration doesn't become tiresome. Because I frequently find myself having to start all over again. Once I feel I've gotten a handle on the Rules and can Trust what will be around the corner. The Rules change, the Trust is dashed, and I'm left scrambling to find my footing all over again. That's what Reality is, I suppose.

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